My friend Beth thought she had the ideal marriage right up until her husband came home and told her that he was in love with somebody else. That if Beth truly loved him, she would want him to be happy.
The problem was, he would not Establish Separate Residence. He kept his clothes at Beth's house. He came over once a day, around 5 a.m., showered, and changed clothes. This was lawyer-advice for holding on to the financial asset of the house. (When I got divorced, the lawyer told me to move my clothes out last, the very last.) He also had the receipts for his new Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous goings-ons mailed to Beth's house. And it all had the effect of making Beth even more miserable. She was stuck in a very early stage of divorce – that place where you hurt so much, so often, so actively that you feel like you're being peeled by the world's largest potato peeler. And all you want is a little something pleasant and familiar and good and not-not-sad.
Divorce is a form of processing. You move through the stages, maybe at your own pace, but you do move through the stages. You have to, to stay healthy and actively involved in life and to keep from scaring your loved ones and boring your friends.
The first stage is often a dichotomous blend of abject calm and abject misery. This is because as your physical and emotional surroundings calm down, your mind starts to process. At its worst, this can take on a form similar to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. At the best, the former spouse will get out of your life enough to let you start processing. You will come back to equilibrium in your own time.
The opposite of Love is not Hate. The opposite of Love is Indifference. Hate takes tremendous psychic energy and eats you up inside. And, as Mark Twain said, "Always be pleasant to your enemies. It costs you nothing and it annoys your enemies." You don't have to be a doormat, but just refuse to participate in any type of dysfunction. Then you will have a calmer place to sleep.
And remember, getting out of a bad relationship is like throwing out old underwear. It feels so much better when the creep is gone.
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